I’m at a strange place right now. I thought that moving to New York would provide me with so much inspiration to step up my game style-wise, but in fact I feel it has done the opposite. Or more so, I’ve been exposed to so much that I’m not sure where I’m headed or where I want to be. I’m in a little bit of a rut. I’ve found that some style shifts are involuntary, heralded by a new job or a change of circumstances, and some are made via a conscious effort. Right now I feel like I’m in stasis. No change.
FIT has surprised me. I thought that everyone would be dressed up for class every day but in fact I don’t think it’s much different than a regular college. People still wear sweatpants. I’d say 30% of people in each class that I’m in are wearing sweatpants or exercise tights or yoga pants, another 50% are wearing jeans (in a casual manner), and the remainder are dressed up how I’d expect people at a fashion school to be. In a way I was taken aback by this. I thought everyone would be all about self-expression and wanting to showcase cool outfits. Especially because so many of us attending the school are from small towns that are perhaps less liberal or accepting than New York. People always spoke about how they couldn’t wait to get to New York so they could dress how they wanted.
I’ve always been pretty sure of my style. For the past three years, approximately, I’ve worn the same kind of things. You could walk into any store and pick something out for me because I’ve always followed the same formula: black, fur, leather. The silhouettes have either been super tight or super relaxed, no inbetween, and generally I’ve dressed for girls, not guys. My style isn’t sexy and I make no attempt to be. I’ll wear a slip dress (which can be made sexy) but with sneakers or a t-shirt. It kills the sex appeal for sure.
Nowadays I’m wondering do I want to dress sexier? Do I want guys to look at me or do I want to continue hiding? For me, dressing in a non-sexy way was a real choice that I made. I didn’t want people to look at me. It made me uncomfortable. Then when I went to work in an office I began dressing corporate as hell. I wore pencil skirts every day. Now I’m at college my previous uniform seems inappropriately formal. My challenge since getting here is trying to dress slightly more casual but in a way that I feel comfortable with. I can’t be someone who rolls out of bed and walks to class wearing a baseball cap, baggy tshirt, and leggings but I also shouldn’t be someone who looks like they got lost on their way to Goldman Sachs.
To be fair to myself, I am getting better at the whole casual thing. I’ve worn jeans a couple of times. I wear dresses with sneakers now. I’ve only worn a blazer once in the past month. But my problem is, I now hate all of my clothes yet when I go shopping I can’t see other things that I want to buy instead. In fact, I don’t know where I want to go, style-wise.
Whilst browsing in Soho last week I seen one pair of pants in All Saints that were just so me and I got excited about fashion for the first time in around a month. They were “ink blue”, satin, relaxed fit through the leg. To me they were sexy as hell; to a guy they probably weren’t. Also in the same store I seen a double breasted black blazer. I wanted to pair them with strappy heels and a cami underneath. I keep thinking about looks that I want to try out but I just don’t have the resources to execute them in a way that I’d be happy with right now.
I’ve been a bit disappointed in myself because I’ve found myself frequenting Zara and browsing on Boohoo & Missguided a tonne in the past few weeks. After all the research I did into fast-fashion and the harmful effect of it, I’ve fallen back into the trap. I’m back to feeling the insatiable need to have more “stuff” and to always have it instantly. It’s about quantity not quality. It’s gross to me because I know better than that yet somehow I keep looking at it, trying it on, buying it. I want to stop. Basically, I’m confused right now and I feel like I could sample a bunch of different looks at fast fashion stores that I couldn’t do if I was buying at more expensive stores. Plus, I lost a little bit of weight in the summer and since then my favourite clothes don’t fit properly. My Sandro tuxedo pants haven’t even gotten a looking. They’ve literally sat on a chair to be taken to be altered since August. It’s sad really.
So to summarise, I want to buy a lot of new clothes because I’m a little bit lost in terms of style right now. My classic uniform of all black is boring me. I want pink. I want beige. I want red even. I want leather. I want boots. I want jeans that make my ass look hella good. I want more slip dresses. I want Givenchy. I want Alexander Wang. I want Off-White. I want a floor length fur coat. I just wanna be fabulous.