Personal

Changes

In less than three weeks I am moving to New York. I am beginning to realise that it is actually happening and not just something that is in my head. The practical matters are all being sorted out, the visa is stuck in my passport, the suitcases lie empty ready to be packed. Fuck. I feel like I have been talking about this forever but now that it is actually happening I can’t believe it.

It’s like I’ve been telling myself a lie to keep myself going for the past few years. I’ve always said, oh it doesn’t matter if you’re bored just now because you won’t be bored in New York, or oh you’ll find your dream job in New York, or oh you’ll find love in New York. I said it to pacify the restless spirit inside of me, the spirit that is always wanting more and striving to achieve, and now I’m so close to reaching my main goal. I have been saying it for so long that I started to doubt it, but it is actually real and happening soon.

Looking East from the Empire State Building

Looking East from the Empire State Building

I’m not yet scared, but I do think it is just because I’m not fully aware that is happening. Subconsciously I know that I have three weeks left with the life I know and have lived for the past eighteen years. Only three weeks with my friends and family and my house and my belongings. Basically everything that has made me comfortable for the past, almost, two decades. Externally you couldn’t tell that such a change was about to occur because on the surface I am so calm. Genuinely it hasn’t hit me yet. Even writing about the things that I’m going to be leaving behind didn’t give me any fear. It probably should.

New York has been my home, mentally, since I was very young. I hadn’t even visited America when I decided that New York was the place for me and I was going to get there somehow. I don’t know what sparked that desire for me, but something inside me grew from a desire to an insatiable need. I couldn’t live my life not knowing when I would be going there, or if I actually would be.

I’ve always wanted more than what Scotland could offer me, partly because I’m so obsessed with fashion. I want to be wildly successful, as does everyone in this industry I suppose. I’m willing to make major changes in my life to get to where I want but that’s because I know I couldn’t be content if I didn’t pursue this, if I didn’t actively make steps towards achieving what I wanted to achieve.

I used to struggle with anxiety quite badly a few years ago. I was so discontent in my life. So unhappy. I always wanted more and never felt like I was being challenged by my surroundings. I felt like I was going nowhere and that nothing was going to happen. On top of that, I began to feel so restless because I knew what I wanted. Through hard work, perseverance, and a whole lot of help from the Internet and the most important people in my life, I’m finally getting somewhere. I can’t believe it, a sentiment that I have expressed many times already in the past few hundred words.

I’m not going to New York and expecting life to be like a movie. I’m not stupid. I know I will be broke as hell and that the streets are dirty and that the people are mean and I won’t find a new love every two weeks like on Sex and the City, but I’m looking forward to it. The pace of life is different. Everyone is working their asses off to get where they want to be. Motivation is key and being around people who want the most will make me work even harder to make sure I get to where I want to be, eventually. Everything takes time but I often feel like time is too finite. There’s not enough hours in a day to waste. I think that’s an attitude that many New Yorkers have, that every hour in the day needs to be utilised.

I can’t wait to join the crazy life, although it kind of freaks me out not knowing what the future holds. There are so many uncertainties. I’m simultaneously excited and terrified to be moving to a country, no, a continent, where I know not a soul. It’s either going to be the best thing that has ever happened to me or the worst. It is scary not having any family or anyone that I truly know to have my back but I’m so ready to put myself out there and make new friends. I hope to present a better version of myself in New York, and hopefully I will eventually morph into that person. I want to be more confident and sure of myself, because I know that I have nothing to fear and that the majority of my shortcomings are just in my head/don’t even matter to anyone else. And hey, if it all goes to shit it’s only for three years. But if it goes well, this could be the start of the life that I’ve always wanted.

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